It's hard to believe a year ago I started my fast from desserts for 11 months starting in September. Where did that time go? It seems like yesterday that I was praying about what I should fast from as a way to remember my cousin, Lauren, in prayer while she was on an 11 month mission (1 country/month) called, The World Race. And just like that I was preparing for September to begin by weaning off of desserts and saying goodbye to my beloved cousin. I got sick for a week due to the "bad lettuce" that was going around during that time. I used my stomach pains as a way to suffer joyfully giving my pain to the Lord knowing Lauren could quite possibly suffer in similar ways to come. I later came to find out that she did get sick, and I hope my gift of suffering for her earlier gave her comfort in those moments. The MANY days began without desserts as I said goodbye to Lauren, and I had my last desserts for a long time. Hearing from Lauren and her team gave me so much strength, because I then knew what to be praying for specifically. I also began to wonder more about my faith. Many of the blog post held me deep in thought for days. China had me thinking about explaining Jesus, prayer, and the very basics of the Christianity I grew up with to strangers. How would I do it? Where would I start? Next, I wondered about Thailand. I pondered how there could be so much light in such a dark place as the red light district. And this continued on one country after the other. The more connected I was with Lauren, the easier the fasting was. However, it was NOT easy. More on this later. Everything was going well. September. October. November. I did not have a single dessert or piece of candy. I was tempted. There were bad days or moments. During those times I wondered if Lauren too was going through a tough time. I would pray about anything that may be tough and challenging for her just in case. If I knew what it could be, I'd pray for that. Without fail, she would tell me that she was struggling. And sometimes the struggling was exactly the same day as my struggle, not just around the same time. There was no doubt that God was working through my fasting and praying. But I knew that before Lauren left. He made it clear that we were bonded through this. However, it was just amazing for Him to show us this time and time again. The Lord is so good and faithful to prayer and fasting. So, December came around and temptation snuck in. I let it get the better of me. Once that happens it is always a battle working your way back, so it's always better to try not to break. Christmas candy ended up getting the best of me. I was so excited about being so strong. Maybe I was over confident. January-May were decent months, but once in a great while I had a dessert. I did eat dessert for my birthday for example, which wasn't my plan when I started. June was horrible and the rest of the summer was ugly. I had redemptive moments. And without knowing it at the time, God was teaching me something. Summer was a quiet time for Lauren. Certain countries made it tough for her to communicate. It's just the way it was. During this time it was hard. I knew Lauren was struggling with many things in a very real way. I wanted updates. I wanted to know she was ok. I longed to hear from her. All communication went unanswered. AND THIS IS WHAT GOD TAUGHT ME....Jesus longs to hear from me (you) like that (if not more), but often I am (you are) silent. You see, God used Lauren's lack of communication with me to teach me about my lack of communication with him. And as I desired to hear from Lauren, he desires to hear from me. So I wouldn't call June, July, and August unsuccessful by any means. The dietary consequences were not part of my plan either, but they ended up coming into play naturally. God revealed fasting from desserts because I do have a problem with desserts. It is an unhealthy relationship with them. It is an addiction. I live to eat them ALL THE TIME. They are delicious after all! This was the perfect opportunity for God to mold and teach me to have a healthier relationship with desserts. I did learn a lot!
I never really got fasting from food before to grow in your relationship with God. I understood it in theory, but it became clearer once I actually did it. I think it really helped to fast for someone, especially because it was for so long. The main driving force in not eating the sweets was my love for Lauren and what she was experiencing. Her mission and her life at the time was far greater than my desserts while I fasted. And while I lost track of that during the quiet months of June, July, and August, God used that time to teach me something that would still bring me to tears and tug at my heart. For I'll never know those three months well with Lauren, which symbolizes the time I haven't shared with God. There's never a better time than now! I love so many lines in this song... "I am yours and you are mine..."
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It all started with peanut brittle. "It's not going to matter anyway." From there came a few peanut butter balls, which I made for Christmas. Well, you can only imagine what happened next. The no dessert or candy since September 10, 2013 lost its perfect record. Did anyone realize my secret? I rationalized my decision by saying, "I can take a little vacation from my fast for the holiday. After all, don't we make exceptions during these times?!?" More candy came while I was making my graham cracker home with my boyfriend's daughter. It gets a little ugly from there. Here's what I learned during my "holiday"...
I just glanced at the date in the lower corner of my computer screen. October 12. Has it really only been a month (and two days)? It has. It has been 32 days that I have been fasting from desserts. For some of you that is close to a Lent time of fasting from desserts. I knew I was coming close to that. I mentioned that to my friend on the phone yesterday. People usually struggle through what they give up for Lent. So, how has this last month been for me?
Someone said to me just the other day, "So, it hasn't been that hard, has it?" My response, "Just because I don't talk about it everyday, doesn't mean it is not hard. Yesterday I woke up wanting warm chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. The day before I wanted a vanilla ice cream cone." I decided to stop the list there. "This is like coffee to you. Imagine going without coffee every single day." This is precisely why I chose desserts, because I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I have an addiction to desserts. I have passed by some pretty amazing desserts, my friends. People have rationalized how a dessert food item technically could be my breakfast, although it is still a sweet food item, just because that was what was offered where we were. I have to plan to bring food sometimes, so I don't fall into this trap or go hungry (which wouldn't be the worse thing). We have work parties, youth bring in food, seasonal food is made at home and work, and so on. All of this is to be expected, and it will continue. It is only one month in. A few weeks back I stood there thinking, "Maybe I could just have one bite." That of course is not what I signed myself up for. I am better than that. And of course, that is a very slippery slope. I long for the peanut M & Ms. I wanted them last night. Dessert after supper, at least every once in a while is hard. After all, I've been so good. :) This isn't a thought I can really have this time. Why? I am not doing this for dietary reasons. I am fasting from desserts for Lauren's mission. When I feel pain, I give it up to the Lord. I think about her pain and pray for her. I feel as though I am in solidarity with her. I started this even before she left as I prepared for this fast. This is very different than, I ate healthy all week, so now I can have one dessert. So, is my fast hard? Yes and no. It is hard, because I chose something that I knew would tempt me (and the devil would use easily to tempt me) regularly. It is easier than I thought, because I am doing this fast for someone I love in mind, bringing her to someone WE LOVE - Jesus Christ - in prayer. That is pretty amazing. When fasting from anything is connected to something spiritual (our Lord), it should be easier if we are really taking the time to make it that way. I think too many people don't do enough of the spiritual work when they give something up for Lent, and it just becomes giving something up for Lent. Aren't we suppose to be learning to depend more on Jesus, growing closer to him, and depending less on that item? Why do we rely so much on that item? So many people just go back to the way they were before those 40 days. I wonder if anything really happened. We can fast from anything in our lives that has too much of a control over it at anytime. As a result, (at the end of the fast, whatever the duration of the fast) you learn about yourself and why it has control over you. You can break that control if you let it and ask Jesus to help along the way. It doesn't have to be food. It could be watching too much tv, gossiping, negative talk about others and/or self, wasting time, spending too much money, putting people down, smoking, etc. If we want to become better, holy people, why wouldn't we fast more often? It is counter-cultural. But in the end, wouldn't we rather be free from these things that keep us from being out best selves? To be honest, I still have no idea what 10 months feels like, but it feels good to have one month in. The updates from Lauren and her teammates help a lot, because I know how to pray better for her and them. They are truly amazing, bold disciples of Christ. For example, this morning I reflected further on the crippled man story. I don't think we have ever seen such a crippled person like him in our whole life here in the United States. Even the poorest of poor are so well taken care of, to see someone walking down our streets like this man only brings my mind back to the time of Jesus?! Amy no! There are other countries where IT IS THIS BAD, IF NOT WORSE. My heart is so broken over this, and I didn't EVEN SEE HIM, DIDN'T EVEN INTERACT WITH HIM. But I do picture him. I think about him. A lot of thoughts are stirring. If you haven't, go back to my last blog and read about him. These World Racers were Jesus to him that day. Our mission field looks very different here in the U.S. I've heard the U.S. is the most spiritually starving of all countries. Of course we will find the countries that hardly know any Christianity like China for example, but we come to the U.S. where we know Christianity well, but we are so caught up in our own lives and desires that we put Jesus, faith, and religion last. Why is it that in some countries there are people that risk their lives each and every time to go to Church for the love of Christ to hear the Word and receive the Eucharist, but we can't even make Jesus a part of our life? On top of that we walk pass people that are all sorts of crippled all the time for whatever reason. There is so much to pray for, to grow in faith for, and to fast for. Song: Give Me Your Eyes, by Brandon Heath http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5AkNqLuVgY&list=PLB4EDBA8CAC548B05 I am hungry for news of Lauren and her teammates as they continue to do active ministry around the world. Yes, I am hungry for this news naturally, because I love my cousin. BUT, IT IS MORE THAN THIS. These beautiful six woman are changing the world back home, too! As they tell us what is happening while they share about Jesus and what is going on within themselves, there is a message for each one of us (sometimes direct, sometimes indirect). I actually love the hidden messages the best, because just maybe they don't even realize the gifts they are giving us. I also love them this way, because I get to interpret what the lesson is that God is teaching me through their experience. There are parts of their blogs that are still with me. It's hard to blog about them unless I capture parts of their blogs here first. That takes time. For example, Lauren's team had dinner with a woman named, Candy. Her parents were divorced over the fact that one was Buddhist and the other was Catholic. The team shared the differences answering her questions. As they shared some Scripture with Candy, she kept saying, "I love this Jesus. This is amazing. I love this book (the Bible)." What stayed with me was this: Imagine having a child-like faith, loving Jesus like I couldn't get enough, and hearing such amazing goodness as if it was the very first time. Let me soak in Jesus. I sat there after I read the words Candy spoke. If only we all could be that way again. How could it be so? I believe it can be so. I believe. I am still sitting in this yet. When the time is right, I'll move into the next sweet stage of, "but how do I make this possible in my life?" (Thank you Libby Alcala for your blog on Candy) Another very profound and early on blog entry was from Kaylaynn McAdams. Her family had placed a rock inside her 50 pound pack as a reminder. She took time to reflect on it as they were instructed to get rid of the items that would weigh them down (metaphorically and physically) on this trip to come before they left. Her reflections touched my heart, because they can apply to our life. We don't have to be traveling across the world carrying a 50 pound bag. "The rock was a hilarious and sweet reminder of how much my family loves me. And also an eye opener into what's really inside my pack. It was the perfect gift. It made me stop to think about the "rocks" I'm carrying around inside my pack. The things that weigh me down and hold me back from doing all God has for me this next year. We can become so distracted by the things we have around us, that we miss greater things right in front of us. I filled my pack to the brim with things I thought I couldn't live without- but I'm learning those things weigh me down from running after the better things in life. Stuff gets stolen, things get lost, back packs aren't waterproof and ultimately it all is gonna break. I have to choose to let the "rocks" in my pack go before they weigh me down from what God is going to do and provide for me." From Hannah -Team Relentless, a women on Lauren's squad (not the five with her on the team...the squad is almost 50 broken into smaller teams) - Read about a cripple man. It just makes me think about him reaching out to Jesus asking to be healed if it were back in Jesus' time. I can feel Hannah's desperation (the Holy Spirit prompting her) to do something for this man. What would I do? What would you do? http://hannahstambaugh.theworldrace.org/?filename=crippled-in-the-streets-of-china There are so many examples from the blogs I could mention. It is amazing staying connected to Lauren reading the blogs, fasting from desserts, and praying for her. As her squad (all the World Racers), I believe, were traveling to Thailand for this month, I was tempted over and over again with desserts. It is pretty interesting how that just happened. My determination is strong, but the temptation grows tiring. I continue to think about what it is that Lauren and these young people are experiencing. I look forward to learning more about this country, the specific ministry the women do, and the pray requests they have. "Oh Jesus...break our heart for what breaks yours..." Casting Crowns Praise Jesus day 2 is about to close. Day 2 was tempting, but I had Day 1 put away. It was a day for the books. However, my friends, that was the problem. I almost went the whole day without recalling my mission. Of course this was awesome physically, but not spiritually. Here we were all sending Lauren off to China and my mind was forgetful all morning.
THEN, the afternoon workout came and the physical pain kicked in. If that doesn't get your mind working and thinking about all sorts of things, I don't know what would. :) I looked at the clock to see what time it was. It was the afternoon. Lauren was leaving Georgia in the afternoon. AWESOME! I didn't miss it! I gave up my physical suffering in a spiritual way connecting it to any pain (worry, fear, doubt, etc.) that Lauren may have felt at that time. I prayed for her and ask God to relieve any of these feelings and to fill her with peace. I also realized how hard this is going to be for Carly especially. I prayed for her. I thought about how this fast could end up being all about me. It sounds horrible, yes I know, but think about it. I am doing the physical work. It could be easy to not connect it to the spiritual. It actually takes more work to go beyond the physical, especially when the physical is hard enough. It is in our human nature to think about ourselves first. So, I am grateful that the opportunity came to me while I worked out. As a result I had the chance to realize how easy this opportunity can slip away from me - an opportunity to be a true prayer warrior for Lauren and growing in my relationship with God through fasting from desserts and sweets. The physical says, "Just fast from desserts, because it's good for you." The spiritual says, "There is so much to be offered here, because I have so much to give you (Love, God)." After all of this and a good workout, I felt good! Day 1 was good. Trainer Tyler was busy with other people. Too bad. A high five was in store. After all, it was day 1. A lot happened on that elliptical, and it was exciting. It was worth celebrating. ______________________________________________ Day 2 - Today Today anything would have been good. Give me any dessert or M & Ms. Was it withdrawals? Was it stress? Was it simply rebelling? Was it a hard day for Lauren? This I do not know. I do know that Carly misses her sister. It doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend or school to keep her busy. Eleven months is a very long time. I call my sister every few DAYS. Now with living closer, I've been blessed with regular phone communication even during the school year. When we lived 2 hours away, this wasn't how it was for us. So, I value this time even more now. I think about the comfort and joy this brings us. I think about how Lauren and Carly do this for each other, too. What if I couldn't really communicate with my sister for 11 months? My heart is heavy and my eyes are filled with tears for these sisters, but especially Carly tonight. I can't wait for Lauren and her team to meet people to share the love of Christ with them. They need that and these lovely women more than we need Lauren right now. That's a pretty amazing thing. I realized that with the desserts. They don't even compare to the work The World Racers are doing (their sacrifice). Then I watched a video of a woman on youtube that has done some kind of mission work. Then again I realized how much these people in these countries need her more than we need Lauren back in the U.S. She was called at this time by God to do what she is doing. Soon we will be watching a similar video like I watched with smiles and tears knowing our own pain was nothing but a small sacrifice for the greater good. There are two more days left until I begin my fast from desserts and candy for 11 months. I have some work to do yet. I need to figure out who/what will be my supports. This takes careful planning. I need to think through who/what can support me and in what ways. This then needs to be written down.
I wrote an email explaining my plan to my co-workers yesterday. This was important so they could be supportive. We eat together often and desserts are shared regularly from a staff member or a parishioner. I just finished reading about fasting - the Christian history of it and the reasons to fast. Matthew Kelly's chapter in Rediscover Catholicism, was excellent. I'd like to share a few of his thoughts here: Before I do, I wanted to say, that I chose fasting from desserts because they have too much of a control over my life since I was young. I have a lack of discipline in this area of my life. I want to break that. It will be hard, therefore, I will constantly be reminded to pray for Lauren as I desire desserts. "You cannot be healthy and happy without discipline. In fact, if you want to measure the level of happiness in your life, just measure the level of discipline in your life. You will never have more happiness than you have discipline. The two are directly related to one another." "In a sense, the body is like money - a great servant, but a horrible master. Fasting is one of the ingenious practices that the Church teaches us to ensure that the body does not become our master." "Far from seeing discipline as a friend in our quest to love and be loved, we treat discipline as a disease. The notion of freedom proclaimed by the modern world is anti-discipline. But true freedom cannot be separated from discipline." "...fasting is not merely a physical practice or another personal accomplishment; rather, it is a spiritual exercise." What does fasting do? 1. Releases ourselves from our attachments to the things of this world. 2. Serve as a reminder that everything in this world is passing and thus encourages us to consider life beyond death. 3. Fosters a loving acknowledgment of our utter dependence on God. 4. Helps us become aware of God's presence in our lives and the world around us. 5. Makes us aware of God's absence in different areas of our lives. 6. Draws us nearer to God and opens our hearts to receive His many gifts. 7. Expresses sorrow for our moral failings and to be restored to wholeness (form of penance). To be given grace to strive with ever more determination to become the-best-versions-of-ourselves. 8. To assist the soul in turning back to God, so we can embrace God more fully in our lives. "Fasting is to the body what prayer is to the soul." "Fasting should always be accompanied by the inner attitude of conversion." "Our lives change when our habits change." "If you wish to have a rich and abundant experience of life, you must allow your soul to soar. But in order to do that, you first need to tame and train the body. You cannot win this war once a week, once a year, or even once a day. From moment to moment, our desires need to be harnessed. Fasting helps us to turn our backs on the-lesser-version-of-oursleves and embrace the-best-version-of-ourslves." "Fasting is radically counterculture, but so is Christianity." "Our bodies are vehicles that God has given our souls to experience life in the material realm. Until we get a grip on our bodies, we will never get a grip on life. Until we learn to reign over our bodies we never really experience all that life can be." These quotes are so true. They are exciting! This list is very helpful and important as well. I just realized what 11 months actually means. It's a little different once you count the months out. It's a little frighting! September October November December January February March April May June July This includes holidays, birthdays (mine included of course), and who the heck knows what else... How else have I prepared? I have weaned - lessened my dessert intake - but I surely have had my share lately knowing I wouldn't have any in 11 month. I have also talked this through with my spiritual director. She will be with me along the journey as one of my supporters. She asked me what would happen if I slipped, because people react in all sorts of ways when they do. Each moment and day is for starting over if necessary. I won't give up. I will go to my supports. I will start over! This is all for Lauren, the Glory of God, and my relationship with Him. If it weren't for Lauren, I know this probably would be easier to give up. But when I connect someone I love to a task, I don't give up very easily. So, what will be the motivator here? This I know is true: the Lord has called my cousin, Lauren, to leave all but a few belongings and to GO and follow Him! She will be doing this by sharing His love to all different types of people in all sorts of ways in 11 countries in 11 months. One country per month through an organization called, The World Race. This I also know without a doubt: the Lord has bonded Lauren to me spiritually. I care for her (and her sister, Carly), more than she probably can understand. This love and deep concern continues, because before their mother (my Godmother), Sherry, passed, I promised I would help take care of both girls just like she did for me. She did a beautiful job of showing me what it was like to be a Godmother. I treasure every moment with these beautiful women. Both Lauren and Carly have served the Lord by serving others on many other missions before. Each one had a purpose all its own. The World Race will as well. However, this mission is different for Lauren and for our family. It is more than a week or two. It is 11 MONTHS. She will be in some very trying situations, in difficult countries. She will not be able to come home. Luxuries will not sooth. Trust in the Lord rings out over and over again! Fear not! Knowing this and what could come her way, I knew she needed constant prayer. "I KNOW I wouldn't be good at keeping up on it, since my prayer life hasn't been what it should be. I need something to discipline me." After discerning (including God in on the decision making process) what it is that I should do, I realized that I should be fasting from something that has control over my life. I knew that if I took it out of my life, it would be hard...similar to Lauren's hardships and challenges (being in solidarity with her). After asking God what I could fast from which would be affective for this goal, it came to me. DESSERTS. I have always been in love with desserts. So, the goal is:
I will explain in my next post what has all happened since this decision was made. "There is no fear in love...." 1 John 4:18 And so I close with this... I chose to be a consistent prayer warrior for Lauren out of love. I do fear that there will not be enough people praying enough...praying hard enough...regularly...as intensely as needed, but I need to let that go and dedicate myself to what I've decided. I know that Lauren is so blessed and loved that she will receive what she needs when she needs it. I too, must trust in the Lord. It is amazing what the Lord does in you, once you've bonded yourself to someone and their mission when you've committed to being their prayer warrior. As I've prepared for Lauren's departure, I've come to this trip and Lauren in ways that neither one of us had planned. Stay tuned... |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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